The Last Memory
by crazycakes91
Summary: What if Harry's father was not James, but Severus? This story tells the events leading up to The Last Memories of Snape and Lily, two lovers who gave their lives for the Boy-Who-Lived, and the night that changed everything.
1. Chapter 1

The Last Memory: Chapter 1

She came back

Author's note: This author's note is going have to be underlined, since the story is from three different points of view, and I'll be needing the bold later. So, I know it's ugly and all, but bear with me. This is my first Fanfic, (though I've always loved writing), (and I've always loved Snape and Lily) so I'm not exactly sure how this thing works, but from what I understand, I have to introduce the story a little, and then have a little disclaimer, amirite?

DISCLAAIMERR: So, obviously, I don't own any of Jo's characters, Lily and Severus belong to her and her only. I'm just borrowing. Though seriously, Jo, if you ever wanna give one of your adoring fans a little present, Severus would be very welcome here ;)

By the way, _i__talics__ is Lily, _Normal text is Snape, and though he hasn't been introduced yet, **bold is James Potter. **because he shouts a lot. Get it? Got it? Good!

Well, now that that's over, without further ado, here's my story, hope you enjoy :)

She came back

She came back for me, once.

She came to apologize. She came to ask for forgiveness. Or perhaps to give forgiveness.

Or perhaps to ask me to join her.

She came in the dark of the night, a year after she married him.

* * *

_I'd had enough. I couldn't face him anymore. With his work as an auror putting so much pressure on him, he'd become moody, arrogant, angry. He lashed out and put that pressure on me. When he saw what he'd done, he was apologetic, of course. He didn't want to hurt me, I knew, because he loved me. But he still did it._

_James had never been the nicest. He'd been the one who teased and taunted, never seeming to care what others thought about him, just never caring what others thought at all. He was never compassionate, could never put himself in anyone's shoes apart from his own, and those of his dearest, closest friends._

_And yet, he was a beautiful man, convinced that he was doing right. And most of the time he was. He was a powerful wizard, an accomplished auror and a core member of the newly formed Order of the Phoenix, as was I. He had been strong and fast on the Quidditch pitch, and bright and clever in classes. He'd excelled effortlessly in most subjects, or at least the ones he thought important._

_It was the little, personal, individual things in which he failed. And each personal failure made him even more frustrated. And each frustration, he bottled up inside, saving face at school, and now, at work, waiting to let it out when he was away from the crowd. When he was home._

_I'd seen both sides of him, and I thought I loved him. I did love him. Somehow. _

_But now, I'd had enough._

* * *

She came, and she said that she missed me.

She said she wished things had been different, that they could have been, that she hoped they could.

She came and she kept her distance, but I knew it was no plain visit, for I could see her eyes, burning as bright as her hair.

She came, and she was pleasant, polite, ignoring my dark cynicism, and grim expression. She came, and in that moment, she was so beautiful, innocent. Like we were still children, when now, there was no way we could ever go back.

* * *

_I considered going to Sirius, but decided he had enough to deal with without his best friend's wife complaining to him all the time. He had bigger problems._

_I almost went to Remus, and once again decided against it. He too had problems. And he could be dangerous, around this time of the month._

_Alice and Frank were... somewhere, on business. Something important for the Order, something secret, even I didn't know all the facts. They were on a mission with the Order's double agent, or so told the rumors. I still didn't know who it was, and didn't plan on figuring it out; Dumbledore had specified it was to stay a secret until he was sure he could trust everyone who might hear. All that to say, those were two friends I certainly couldn't go and talk to._

_I was loath to talk about anything with Pettigrew, that little rat. I knew he hung around my husband and his friends, but I'd never trusted him myself._

_And then, there was one person left. One person I'd missed desperately, but not wanted to see. One person who I loved and hated at the same time. One person, who, frankly, confused me. I hated being confused. One person I needed to talk to, but had been trying to avoid._

_One person who felt exactly the same about me. I had to see him._

_So, concealed in James' cloak, I went to Spinner's end, to meet my old friend._

* * *

She asked me how I was, like she hadnt blocked me out of her life for the past 4 years, like I hadn't gone from her best friend to best-friend-sorted-in-the-enemy-house, to friend, to acquaintance, to… completely gone.

It was my fault. I should never have called her that filthy word. Mudblood. Just to impress them. Just to feel like I, Severus Snape, rejected by all those I knew, could belong somewhere. I knew it was a bad place to belong, I knew I shared nothing with them. The only thing that drew me to them, or drew them to me, was our dark outlook on life. Mine, sad and apprehensive, perhaps hoping for revenge, but nothing more, whereas theirs was hateful, and fraught with the kind of twisted, sadistic glee I would come to be surrounded by in the next few years.

After that, she didn't care to see me, hear me, hear of me. I who had been her best friend was now the object of her most manifest distaste. With one word I'd betrayed and lost her. In the mix, I'd lost myself.

But she had come back.

I supposed she wanted only to convert me, when it was clear she'd come too late. But as the night wore on, and we continued talking, detached at first, then cautiously opening up more and more, it became apparent something else was troubling her.

* * *

_It was hard, at first._

_It was hard to go back to Severus, to start our friendship where it had left off, because __we'd both changed and been changed so much._

_We'd both seen the world for what it was; a dark, cruel place. And we'd seen it from opposite sides._

_But as the night wore on, I found more and more of Sev and Lily, and less and less of Snape, agent for the dark side, and Lily Potter, tired auror, tired wife, tired of living. As we gingerly and very gradually settled into our old comfortable friendship, all my inhibitions seemed to leave, and as I talked, that night, I said more truth about myself to him then I'd ever said to my husband._

* * *

Finally, she broke.

It was Potter. That arrogant fool had been putting too much pressure on her. The foul loathsome cockroach of a man had hurt her. And so, she'd come to me.

They'd married the previous year. I remember hearing of it and wanting to stop it, but not trusting myself to go anywhere near her.

And also, I remember wanting her to be happy.

Now, all I wanted was for her to go away. I loved her, but I didnt want to be the person she went to when her first choice had disappointed her. I wanted to be the first choice.

And yet, I wanted her more than I wanted pride and dignity. So I stayed with her. I comforted her. I let her talk, I let her cry. I stroked her hair. I healed her cuts and gave her a potion for her bruises. I tried to make mysef believe that I eased more than her physical pain, that evening.

She asked for a place to sleep that night, and I was glad to let her stay.

I wanted her to be near me, but not so I could take advantage of her.

I wanted her to trust me, I wanted her to know I was there for her whenever she needed me.

I wanted to hold her and touch her and let her know I still loved her like she said she never would.

I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to love her, but I didn't plan on doing any of those things. That night, I was her friend, the one who helped her when she was in need.

* * *

_He let me stay the night. He brought me tea, tucked me in. Cared for me. He was a great friend, but in that desperate moment, I found myself wanting more of him._

A/N: Well, I hope you liked my first chapter, there are many more where that came from. Meanwhile, If you're wondering what else to read, for something a little less serious than this story, Lovetobefaith is pretty awesome, and I beta her stuff, she's the one who introduced me to the sweet sweet world of .

Update: Thanks to duj for pointing out some anachronisms I hadn't noticed.

Oh, and before you read the next chapter, just note that it's pretty much a sex scene, and though it's barely explicit at all, (having no experience whatsoever except what I read, it was kind of awkward for me to write it, but in the end, I got by with a little help from my friends) just, you know, be warned. Like if you're twelve. Siriusly, if you're twelve, you should not be on this site. But just in case. Got it? Perfect :)

I'm sure we'll be great friends, you and I. Now, what are you waiting for? Read the next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

The Last Memory: Chapter 2

Embracing The Inevitable

A/N: WELCOME BACK! Glad you decided to continue. I won't keep ya for long, just gotta say that (disclaaaiiimer:) I dont own 'em, but kinda wish I did. Oh, and I got help with this one, from LovetobeFaith. Love ya honey 3 

To the rest of you, Enjoy!

Embracing The Inevitable

Sev...

She called me from the other room. Her voice sounded tentative, careful. Hesitant. Confused. And hopeful. Desperately hopeful.

_He walked through the door, peering in, then approached slowly, curious._

_Lily?_

_he asked._

_What is it?_

_he seemed to wonder._

_I think... I love you, Sev, I answered, in my head. I always have, I just didn't want to see it._

_But of course, he didnt hear me._

Lily?

I asked again. I didn't know what to make of her expression, her eyes ablaze, her cheeks on fire, her lips, redder than usual, subtly smiling. She seemed to be asking something without words, urgently wishing for an answer.

I would do anything to help. But I didn't know what her question was.

I reached into her mind, cursing myself for violating her like this, but I needed to know what was troubling her.

_He lifted his eyebrow at me quizzically. As if he had heard, and was making sure he'd heard right. Oh, blast. Of course he heard, he was one of the most skilled legilimens that I knew. But just so he knew for sure, I waved for him to come sit beside me._

_He walked, slowly, calmly, and I saw a look of nervosity pass over his features. The same look he had when he knew he was being played with and couldn't do anything to stop it. The same look I'd seen when James taunted, teased, tortured him. The same look I could never forget. Sitting down on the bed, he stared, and tilted his head. In a trance, my hand reached toward his face and traced his forehead, his cheek, his jaw, ever so lightly. A wave of acceptance washed over his features and he seemed to ease into... whatever this was._

_Suddenly, before I could stop myself, try stop the inevitable, I laced my arm behind his neck and pulled him to me, reaching for his lips with mine. The sweet tentative kiss soon became fiercely passionate, which turned into a fervent touch and then a small push, while his weight came down on me. I wrapped my bare legs around him and flipped over, having always preferred being in control, and knowing that he would let me._

_Not in the mood for games, however, I started frantically trying to unbutton his robes, which was exactly as tricky as it seemed, and was wondering where my wand was, so I could just put an end to the wait. He smiled and in a blink all his clothes disappeared. I marveled at his muscled chest for a moment, and then collapsed onto it, fervently kissing his neck while he teared off my blouse. I felt my knickers sliding down my legs, and before it could seem like a bad idea, I felt his push into me._

_Our movements were soon rhythmic, each embracing what we felt in each other, a unison between the two; molding, merging, making up for lost time. It was the sweetest and most honest thing I'd felt in a while, and I didn't want it to end._

The next morning, I woke up in a sweat, wondering what exactly had happened the previous night. Had I dreamed it all? No, coudn't have been a dream, I knew this had happened. But how? Why? I rolled onto my side, to look at her, and realised that Lily was gone.

Shite.

I sat up, hearing a shuffling noise in the other room.

Lily?

I called out.

Mhm.

Came the muffled reply.

Er. Severus? I. Um. Have to go!

Her voice rang through the house, and left a buzzing in my ears, interrupted only by the hasty slamming of a door and the sound of her footsteps running off.

A/N: There, short and sweet. Hope it didn't induce too much face palming, and I promise, the next chapters will be much less excruciatingly awkward. Thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

The Last Memory: Chapter 2

Godric's Hollow

A/N: ...and we're back on track. Things are getting darker, more desperate, and Lily is really panicking, which is why it's such a weird coincidence that this chapter counts exactly 911 words. freaking weird. Though I guess with the author's note, it'll be more... whatever. The actual chapter is 911 words long. 

So, thanks for continuing to read, I love you all

AAAnd I don't own any of the characters, or place names, or any of that stuff. Duh.

Godric's Hollow

_I ran, and then apparated, and then ran some more. What James would do when he saw I'd been gone all night... I didn't want to think about it._

_What James would do if he knew what had happened while I was gone... Well. He wouldn't. Simple as that. Because if he did, well... I wanted to think about that even less. Infinitely less._

_What James would do if he saw his invisibility cloak had been gone too... I shuddered at the thought and a shiver ran up my spine. Where was it? The cloak. Oh Merlin. Oh no._

I sat in silence for 5 minutes. Maybe 10. Maybe an hour. I didn't know. I didn't know what had happened. But I knew Lily had gone running back, to her strong, popular, witty, handsome, do-gooding beau, and forgotten me, left me behind in her dust once again.

I also knew that when she got there, she'd be in trouble.

She'd just left me without so much as saying goodbye. Again.

But I loved her still. Always.

Feeling oddly detached, in limbo, undecided and yet knowing that I knew what I should do, I stayed and stared at the door.

Did I really know her, or had I just idealized the wrong girl my whole life?

But she wasn't the wrong woman. I was just the wrong man.

What if I had fallen in love with someone else?

But I hadn't.

And given the choice, I wouldn't have wanted to, either.

Lost in thought, it took me perhaps another 15 minutes to realise what I was looking at. But as the metallic glint shone straight into my eyes, I saw it.

The cloak. The sun, peering through the curtains, reflected between its folds. It was mesmerising, really, the fabric coming in and out of sight, reflecting and refracting and letting the sun pass right through. It seemed ever-changing. It seemed powerful. I imagined what I could do with such a magical object in my possession.

But I knew that if I had it, Lily didn't, and Potter would know. If I kept the original Cloak of Invisibility, the one that belonged to the original Ignotus Peverell, my job would be a hell of a lot easier. But if I didn't return it to it's rightful, though undeserving, owner, Lily might get hurt. A lot.

I had to get there fast.

_I stopped and looked around frantically. I hadn't thought of an alibi. I hadn't needed it so desperately before, but now that I'd forgotten the cloak... If James put two and two together, I'd be in big trouble._

_But right now, I just had to hope for the best. I tried to remove a few memories from the previous night, to temporarily obliviate myself, a trick I'd learned from none other than Severus, in my fifth year. Not too long ago, and yet it seemed so far away. I'd never really gotten the hang of it, but I had to try._

_I had to try._

I got dressed and put on the cloak, then apparated to Godric's Hollow.

I couldn't stand the place, all the beautiful, cozy homes, all hiding dark, ugly secrets. I wondered how much people really knew about their neighbours here, if there was a complicity in sharing such secrets or if 'taking it to the grave' was more than just an expression. I'd heard some ugly things about the Dumbledore family and the way Ariana, their daughter, had died, Bathilda Bagshot was certainly easily manipulated, and therefore quite a disreputable character, and then... then, there was Potter.

Potter, the poster boy for, well, perfect. Perfect student, perfect friend, perfect boyfriend. On the outside. He hid it quite well, his twisted side. No one suspected it. No one knew that one of the best aurors in magical Britain was an abusive, disgusting, controlling, hateful, cruel bastard. His good looks and perfect marks had always been able to fool everyone.

Everyone but me.

I looked around, and saw her across the square.

_Bloody hell._

_I knew the spell, but in my panic I couldn't get into the proper frame of mind. This wasn't working, and I was losing time._

She seemed to be trying to obliviate herself. And failing miserably. She was clearly worked up, too stressed to be able to perform any spell, let alone one so complex.

Still hidden by the cloak of invisibility, I pointed my wand in her directed, and muttered

Legilimens

reading her thoughts to see what to remove, replace.

And what I saw instead, her apprehension, no, fear, of what would happen when she came home, the memories that flooded her mind, put me in such a state of shock that I couldn't remember what I'd been trying to do.

No wonder she couldn't cast the spell.

Then, her thoughts shuddered and warped, and I knew she'd sensed me there. She looked straight at me, even though there was no way she could see me, and shook her head slightly.

She reached out and touched my mind. Her agonized cry for help was so sharp and clear, it rendered me completely helpless, and I crumpled to the ground.

She turned around and walked into the house.

Lily!

I shouted.

She didn't hear.

_The spell didn't work. I'd just have to act innocent._

_I took a deep breath and walked into the lion's den._

DUN DUN DUUNNNNN

?

hope you enjoyed!


	4. Chapter 4

The Last Memory: Chapter 4

Consequences

A/N: I hereby present to you: James Potter! He's the angry dude who can't decide on anything.

I don't own him either. And don't wish to, whatsoever. Y'all are entitled to your own opinions, but if I manage to convert a lames shipperr to sevily-ism, then my work here is well done. 

Beeteedubz, I did make up the spell that Sev uses. Its Latin for 'cover the memory', which is pretty well what he's trying to do.

OH, AND! some rude language. yeah. that is all.

Anyhow, enjoy:)

**Where the hell were you?**

**I shouted as she closed the door quietly.**

**All night? The little slut. Who even knows what she was doing?**

**I... I was here during the night, for a little while. I came back to check on you and slept on the couch. I was just taking a walk.**

**I'm sorry for worrying you.**

**she said.**

**But was she really?**

**I wouldn't be. Thinking back, if I were in her place, I would have left me long ago. But we both loved each other, in some twisted way. I only got mad because...**

**Because I was worried. Worried someone else would be a better person to her I was.**

**It's ironic. No, it's sad. I was just so, so sad. And so jealous. Because I knew that if she so much as turned away from me, even for a second, she could see someone else, and that would be the end.**

**I loved Lily, with all my heart. The first time I saw her, my world stopped. All I could do for at least a year was gaze dreamily at her, too shy to approach her, I who had had a solid reputation to uphold, as a flirt, a womanizer, confident and bold.**

**I still loved her, as much as I had that first day. But she'd always been a fighter, she'd never accepted authority. In life, I'd always been the one to lead, and having to take the back seat sometimes was just so frustrating.**

**She didn't understand me.**

**It was infuriating. And so, I snapped.**

_WHAT THE HELL, LILY?_

_he shouted again from the adjacent room as I heard a vase breaking against the wall._

_I sank to the floor, as a single tear rolls down my cheek, and braced myself._

How dare he lift a hand against her, and then claim to be in love? After all these years of blaming myself, thinking I must have done something wrong, telling myself that he must have done somethig better, I finally realised that that disgustingly charming man was the real manipulative snake, between us two.

I ran toward the house, ready to burst in

and then, catching myself, realised that would only make things worse for Lily.

My Lily.

Uncovering myself completely, I levitate the cloak through the window, and dropped it in a neat pile onto the ground at the door. I was in plain view of anyone looking out of their window, but I didn't care.

I then performed one of the more elaborate spells I invented, for the first time ever in a non-experimental situation, and covered her mind.

Operiet Memoria

I whispered.

The spell allows the caster to cover a certain part of someone else's memory, hiding it from legilimency and veritaserum, as well as rendering it vague and fuzzy if ever the subject tries to share it willingly

or by threat.

I never thought it would come in handy, which is why I'd forgotten about it, for the most part, but I'd never given it up completely, always fueled by the hope that it would be useful someday.

And that day, it was.

She glanced quickly at me through the window, and seems to apologize with her eyes, though she has nothing to apologize for.

All I could think was that someday, he would pay.

**COME HERE YOU LITTLE WHORE**

**WHERE WERE YOU? ANSWER ME**

**Standing over her, I jerk her chin towards me, forcing her to look into my eyes.**

**YOU WERE GONE LAST NIGHT. WEREN'T YOU, LILY?**

**I feel my temper rising. She had left. And it's not been the first time. Sirius used to tell me when she'd visit him, talk to him. About me. About us. He said he would try to help me help myself, because this needed to stop.**

**What ended up stopping was his reports. Either she'd turned my best friend against me, or she'd moved on to someone else.**

**YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW OR I'LL FIND OUT MYSELF**

_I look away, refusing to meet his flashing eyes._

_I opened my mouth but couldn't answer. I could barely remember what I'd been thinking of. My stream of thoughts was completely lost._

_For the first time ever, I found myself incapable of formulating an answer._

_I closed my mouth._

_And everything came back._

**She refuses to answer.**

**I've lost her. I've lost my love.**

**And somewhere deep inside of me I know it's my fault.**

**But right now, that doesn't matter to me. She's hiding something. She was with someone else last night, and she doesn't want me to find out.**

**Alright then. If that's the way she wants to do it.**

**I glare at her in anger. She gazes back in agony.**

**I love her. Or maybe I loved her. But she defies me way too much. And I'm tired of it, so terribly tired. I'll win this battle if it's the last thing I do. Because in the end, she belongs with me. She belongs to me.**

**LEGILIMENS**

**I wait for the answers to wash over me**

**and nothing comes.**

**The weasely little bitch.**

I stay outside for a few moments, then disapparate.

My surroundings change at the speed of light and I land back in Spinner's End with a sharp jolt. I steady myself on my feet, and keep walking, trying to put as much distance between Potter and the girl who'd once again broken my heart, and I.

The shouting and crying, however takes a much longer time to leave. More than ever, I can't stop thinking about it.

About her. About him. About her. About us.

_The fight soon washes over, like every other fight we've had. He needs me too much to keep arguing. He loves me too much._

_Or what he calls love. A bit of infatuation. But mostly need. Need to feel needed. Need to keep up his image. But especially, need for control. Need to feel like he's managed to control an indomptable creature, and to show that off to the world. Need to be in charge of every part of his life._

_My own needs, then, are inevitably lost in the mess that is our marriage. All I wanted was his love. But the only real promise he made was the one he didn't keep. Oh, he can say he loves me. And I'm sure he thinks he does. And he does shower me with beautiful gifts, with sweet kisses, with romantic dinners, from time to time. But it's in between those frivolous, shallow things that he ceases to pay attention to what I really want. His attention, his appreciation, his respect._

_I want the old James back, and now I'll never get him._


	5. Chapter 5

The Last Memory: Chapter 5

Caught in the web

A/N: sad, sad stuff coming up, for Sev and Lily. You'll see. It's a very short chapter, but pretty loaded just the same.

to whoever cares: I. DONT. OWN. ANYTHING. OR. ANYONE. OK?

and to rest of you awesome people: I hope you like it!

Caught in the Web

I was desperate to know for sure that she was alright. All day I could think of nothing more. I cursed myself for not staying and protecting her. When evening came, it had become unbearable. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even cook myself dinner, and as a renowned potions master, I still pride myself on my excellent cooking skills.

I had to check in on her.

_That night, as I lay beside my husband in bed, I couldn't fall asleep. I had a strange, uncomfortable feeling that I simply couldn't shake._

_Someone was watching me. I could sense these things. I looked around wearily, worried but not alert enough to do anything. I drew closer to the man who'd been hitting me only hours before, nestling my head to his chest, ironically knowing that he'd do anything to protect me._

I looked in through the window, to see if she was awake. What I saw made me lose most of the hope I'd gained the night before. She was snuggled all close to Potter, as if nothing had happened, a slightly grimacing smile on her otherwise peaceful face. I reached into her mind, and drew back, shocked and disgusted.

he'd do anything to protect me

anything to protect me

protect me

Her thoughts echoed in my head as I stared numbly at the woman I loved.

She was caught in his web completely, no longer struggling. She had given herself up to him. And I? To her, I was just one night. Perhaps she thought it was just a mistake. To her, I was an old acquaintance. Perhaps not even an old friend. Someone she could play with when her first choice and her had a spat. Truthfully, I had no idea what she thought of me. And frankly, if this was the sort of person she'd become, perhaps I didn't want to.

As I walked home, it occured to me that maybe I was the one who was caught. In her web. Maybe she was using me, just like he was using her. I'd never struggled. I'd given myself up to her years ago. From the moment we became friends, I knew I would do anything for that beautiful girl who'd captured my heart. My mistake was thinking that the sentiment would go both ways.

_As soon as it had come, the feeling went away. I got up, out of bed, and started pacing the room. I had to get out, just for a few minutes. I had to get away from James' choking presence, just to breathe for a bit. I opened the back door, and stood in the doorway._

_A figure was walking away angrily, taking large steps as if to put as much distance as possible between the town and him. He, for I thought it was a he, was cloaked from head to toe, and was slightly slumped, as though he'd just heard bad news, but was used to it. The figure turned for a second, and I recognized the profile of his face._

_Severus_

_I called out as loud as I dared._

_And in that second, he snapped his fingers and disappeared into the shadows._

A/N: aand, that's the last you see of those two together for about a month. sadface. But it had to happen. 

Now, I do have a lot of homework, so I probably won't be uploading every week or anything like that, but I'll try to write a chapter whenever I can, and upload them with as little gaps as possible.

So, see you whenever that is. And till then, DFTBA.

(If you don't know what that means, look it up. on urbandictionnary or whatever. or better yet, on youtube. It's a song. The guy who sings it and his brother are my personal heroes, and if you ever need to read a book that's funny but will make you cry, and change your way of seeing the world, read _Looking for Alaska_ by John Green, or _The Fault in Our Stars_ by the same author. You will not be disappointed.

For those of you who are really lazy (shame on you), it means Don't Forget To Be Awesome. siriusly. dont. :)


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Midnight Letter

A/N: Disclaimer: I do not own Harry potter characters. All I own is the plot and all that.

I couldn't sleep so I wrote. I wasn't thinking straight at all while writing, so there are probably weird inconsistencies and grammatical errors in this chapter, but I think I'll post it, and then change it later. Even so, I hope you enjoy.

1 month later:

_It was the middle of the night, and I couldn't hope to fall asleep. I just kept staring at the potion bottle in front of me. The iridescent blue colour erased all possible doubt as to what I had previously only suspected. 'Pregnant, boy' were the only thoughts running through my head. I cast my mind back to the last time I had had sex. Unfortunately, it was not with the man I was married to._

_Pregnant._

_Boy._

_Pregnant._

_Boy._

_Oh Merlin, what have I done?_

* * *

About a week after I'd stopped hoping to hear from Lily, a small tawny owl I didn't recognize woke me in the middle of the night. I listened to the incessant rapping on my window for a few minutes before I registered the fact that there was an owl for me, and that it must be urgent.

I opened the window, and let the poor bird in; it being mid december, the fickle weather was alternating between cold rain, rare ice pellets, and snow. The messenger had undoubtedly been through a bitter journey to reach me in the middle of the night.

I mechanically untied the missive from the owl's outstreched leg and paid him with a sickle, wondering the whole time whether my midnight post bore great or terrible news. I was quite certain that it wasn't anything to do with Voldemort, as I hadn't been summoned by the Dark Lord himself. It could, however, be information from the Order, or a new mission for me as their double agent. Any thought of Lily was completely out of my mind, and so when I unfurled the parchment, I did not know whether to be elated or terrified.

_Severus,_

_A... situation has arisen. We must talk in private. Do not alert the Order, this is to stay between us. Tomorrow, after darkness falls, I shall visit you, around midnight. Answer quickly to confirm._

_-Lily_

* * *

**I woke up, hearing a window open, and looked to my right. Lily had gotten out of bed, and was probably looking for something to eat, or getting some fresh air. This was not uncommon, these days, and I'd learned to leave her some space, especially in the case of insomnia, as Lily got incredibly irritable when tired.**

**It had been 4 weeks since the fight, and in those 4 weeks, I'd scarcely heard a word from Lily. We lived together and slept in the same bed, and yet, a part from common courtesy, she barely talked to me. I could understand that she was cold, but she seemed to be struggling to hide something from me as well.**

**She had been ill before, as a result of being overly stressed, and it was happening again now. I worried that I'd perhaps caused something to go wrong this time, that it was my fault. Maybe it was more serious this time. Maybe she was avoiding me because of that.**

**Maybe she was still angry at me, though angry was not the feeling I was getting from her these days. She seemed worried. Scared of me. She'd never been scared of me before. She'd always stood up to me, and though I told myself I didn't like it, that was one of my wife's qualities that I greatly admired.**

**I really tried to make things up to her, after accusing her of sleeping around and shown more fury than usual. I'm still not convinced I was wrong, but it couldn't go on like this. I knew I'd find out sooner or later.**

**Meanwhile, I'd spend a lot of time with her after work and over the weekend, but she'd stayed distant. I'd bought her a delicate necklace whose pendant was an intricately carved doe, to match her patronus, and she'd disregarded it completely. She would normally have loved a gift like that, that showed I was thinking of her.**

**I missed her.**

**Her mind was certainly fully occupied with something, and I was determined to help her get through it. She was my wife, after all, and I loved her dearly, even though I had trouble showing it sometimes.**

* * *

_I tried to make my letter as vague as possible, so that if it made its way into the wrong hands, their owner would not go running to James to announce my infidelity. It had to be firm as well, however. I had little doubt that Severus would be unhappy to see me, since I'd run away from him the last time I'd seen him. I could only hope that he'd agree to talk, so that we could decide on the following course of action. All I had to do was get out of the house._

* * *

**But what could Lily possibly be so confused about? I wondered grimly. Perhaps it was something to do with the Order? Had Dumbledore given her a mission she couldn't talk about, even with me? That would certainly make a lot more sense. The way she'd been acting in the past few weeks was quite out of character, as if she'd been confided a secret that she couldn't tell me. And since she had been struggling agaisnt problems with anxiety, I'd probably just been making it worse. I decided not to push her,**

**Did my colleagues and friends know about this? Had they noticed the same differences in Lily's behaviour? I decided then to go see Sirius the following night, and ask him about any new projects or missions from the Order; since he'd been kicked out of his house, he'd been sleeping at our temporary headquarters, and as a result he usually knew about meetings and general goings on in and about the Order of the Phoenix.**

* * *

I had no idea as to what the news could be. All I could do now was try to sleep for the rest of the night, and hope for the very best.

I scribbled a note acknowleging my receotion of her letter, made myself a cup of tea, and went back to bed. It was only a few hours later, when the sun had already started rising, that I finally managed to fall asleep.

* * *

A/N: This chapter has been the hardest to write yet by far, because James' thoughts were quite a bit in the spotlight, and he's the only character I'm not very sure of. I can't make him too evil, but I really don't like him and don't want to make him seem too nice either. I hope I've been able to depict him in the way that I imagine him; anger management issues, control issues, but still loves Lily deep down inside, and wants to help her, but also really wants to know if she's keeping a secret from him, and what it is. So kind of a selfish prat. 

I hope it made some sort of sense... Please review!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: J.K Rowling owns all characters in this story, she is incredible and I bow down at her feet. I am merely trying to add depth to minor characters whose lives we barely saw, and whose opinions were never stated.

Chapter 7: Obliviously guilty

_-Severus...Remember a month ago when-_

_Oh, that's no good, how could he forget?_

_-Erm. Last night I couldnt sleep, and so I brewed a futuri parvulus and-_

_Much too formal._

_-I'm expecting! And... he's yours._

_Ha! I could never do that. I've barely seen the man since fifth year, or barely talked to him, except for one time, a month ago, and there I'd be, announcing that he was the father of my illegitimate son._

_No. No no no! Why did things always happen to me?_

_Under any other circumstance, I would have been proud to announce my pregnancy to Severus. But this... was too rushed, too confusing. We had to get to know each other all over again, since we parted Hogwarts at odds those few years ago. I was still married to my highschool 'sweetheart', for Merlin's sake! I couldn't be pregnant. Why did it have to be me?_

_-I was wondering, if you'd ever though of, well, me and you, and, kids?_

_Enough. There was no point in practising in front of a bloody mirror. I'd just have to wing it and wish and hope and pray for the best._

_The very, very best. I had many things to figure out that night._

_Starting with how I was to get out of this blasted house._

* * *

**After much internal debate, I ended up deciding to get Sirius and Peter to watch her. It wasn't spying, only keeping an eye out for her. I knew it seemed wrong, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that something was up.**

**Behind my back.**

**And I was determined to find out what.**

**Pity the map didn't work outside of Hogwarts.**

**She was my wife, I had the right to know who her friends were, where she came and went, what she did away from my 'prying' eyes.**

**I was just keeping her out of trouble. Merlin knows she always got herself into trouble, that girl. She was always too kind, I remember, in school. Too trusting. Too accepting. I remember she was friends with Snivellus Snape, that sullen Death Eater scum. Even though he was in the Order, now, I could never trust him. He had brought her down so much. Tried to make her mistrust me. No doubt tried to convert her to the Dark side, tried to recruit a new junior Death Eater. I was so glad she'd finally let go of that destructive friendship.**

**What I was doing wasn't wrong. I was just keeping her out of trouble.**

**I kept repeating that in my head, like a mantra.**

_**What I was doing wasn't wrong.**_

**Now I just had to go see Sirius without raising her suspicions.**

_**I was just keeping her out of trouble.**_

**It was my right.**

**Right?**

* * *

_I heard the front door close and breathed a sigh of relief. He was gone. Said he was going to headquarters to talk to Sirius. It was fine by me, perfect really. I had just spent the evening trying to figure out how to get him to get him out of the house, and just waiting for him to leave. I walked to our bedroom and removed the cloak from its secret hiding place._

_I ran my hands through its beautiful fabric, and thought of running away. I could just leave. I could just go, with the cloak, and he wouldn't find me. I could alter my appearance, and have my baby alone. I could fake my death and assure that the Death Eaters wouldn't follow me. I could take Severus along, if only I knew I could trust him._

_We could make a family, somewhere, far away, and never look back._

_We could-_

* * *

**Lily?**

**I wasn't expecting to see her here. I'd forgotten the cloak, and realised I needed it only after leaving. I'd come back, hoping she would be outside, hoping she wouldn't notice me taking the cloak with me.**

**Instead, I'd found her-**

* * *

_Caught red handed._

_What was I thinking? I should have waited longer. I just hoped I hadn't voiced any of my musings aloud in my husband's presence. I wondered how long he'd been there, watching me finger his invisibility cloak._

_Stunned, I stared at him, and mumbled a not so plausible excuse, wondering what I could do to clear up this mess._

* * *

**Blast. How could I leave with the cloak now? Lily knew that wasn't necessary if I was just going to headquarters, there were certainly enough protective spells there to keep me out of sight.**

**But I wasn't. I was going to an abandoned shack where Wormtail spent most of his time, in rat form. It was an old marauder meeting and hiding spot, over the summers when we weren't at Hogwarts, and one of the few Lily didn't know about.**

**I was just looking at your cloak**

**she murmured.**

**Why she had to do that when I wasn't around, escaped me. Why she seemed shy all of a sudden did too.**

**What would she think of me, if I Ieft with the cloak? She'd know I was lying.**

* * *

_How could I leave with the cloak now that he'd seen me? I was supposed to be reading at home, and catching up on sleep I'd lost in the past few weeks. That was what I'd told him. Of course he knew there was no way I needed the cloak to sleep, there were enough protective spells on our house, since we were core members of the Order._

_He'd know I was lying._

* * *

**I found it on the chair in the kitchen, I was just folding it and putting it back**

**she said.**

**Do you need it?**

**Was she mocking me? Was she trying to make me slip up? Confess?**

**She seemed sincere. But she was a master of disguise, in her expression and her appearance. It was what made her such a useful member of the Order, such a great witch, but a confusing wife. She could hide any feeling, and stay calm at all times. She was also a skilled occlumens, thanks to that snivelling little greasy git.**

**It struck me that she may be the spy. Dumbledore hadn't told us yet. I eyed her wearily. She would have told me.**

**She should have told me.**

* * *

_He didn't look like he was buying it. I was usually good at hiding what I felt. It was a skill that came in handy, more and more, of late. I must be losing my touch._

_Yes. I need it_

_he stated gravely, surprising me._

_I need it because I lied to you_

_he continued, unsteadily. This was interesting._

_I need it because... Dumbledore. He said... I'd be meeting the spy. He told me not to tell you..._

* * *

**to protect you...**

**I finished lamely. I wasn't making any sense. If she was the spy, then I would look like a complete fool. And she'd know I was misleading her. Bloody hell. I was starting to lose my nerve. I should tell her it's another spy. That there are two. Just in case. But then, what if she wasn't the spy, and then she found out I was ly-**

* * *

_Oh._

* * *

**'Oh'? I sighed with relief.**

* * *

_I looked down. Had Dumbledore really said that? Why was he always trying to 'protect' me? I was just as skilled a witch as any other member, and I deserved to know who the spy was._

_Take it, James._

_I could apparate directly into Sev's house, if I needed to._

_I was angry. But I couldn't let him know that._

* * *

**She sounded... forlorn. And slightly envious. Not only had I fooled her, but with a reaction like that, there was no way she was the spy.**

* * *

_He sounded... relieved. I'd fooled him._

* * *

**I disapparated with a snap, feeling bad for lying. Poor Lily. I'd have to make it up to her.**

**Again.**

A/N: Basically that was supposed to be an awkward conversation, where they're both so worried about the other finding about about them lying that they don't realise that the other is hiding something too. I hope I was able to convey that well enough. Hope you liked it!


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Betrayal on Both Sides**

A/N: Longest chapter yet, as well as the most interesting, I think. Hope you enjoy.

_I waited a few minutes before trying to leave again. I felt bad for lying, but this had to be done. It was important to me, and to our marriage. Then, when I was certain he was gone, I pocketed the futuri parvulus, and pictured Severus' kitchen in my mind's eye, and disapparated._

* * *

Crack!

I was abruptly torn from my thoughts about Lily and her important message by a loud crack coming from the kitchen. Something or someone was in there, near my potions equipment and ingredients that were stored in the adjacent room. There were a lot of experimental potions in there that could be extremely dangerous... Then again, if someone was sneaking around my house, perhaps it would serve them right.

Homenum revelio

I murmured, just as a small, shaky voice said

Woops, sorry

then,

Severus?

a little louder.

Lily?

I called, running down the steep, rickety stairs, hurriedly making my way to the kitchen.

OhLilyit'syou

I sighed, relieved, pulling her into a hug.

Do not scare me like that. I though there-

I couldn't tell her that. I couldn't tell her I thought it was a Death Eater apparating into my house, and that I was scared they would kill her or toture her when she arrived. She would worry. And, worse, she would ask. She could, under no circumstance, know I was the spy, until it was time. But I would't be able to lie to her, and my secret would be out.

Never mind. You're here.

My face broke into a broad grin at the sight of my love, but quickly sobered up when I saw that her expression was far from mirroring my own.

* * *

_What... what is it?_

_he asked hesitantly_

_and for once in my life, I was unable to answer. I knew what I had to say. But I was at a complete loss as to how to say it. How do you tell your best childhood friend, with whom you had a one night stand, that you're pregnant, that he's the father, that it can't happen, that you cant tell anyone, because you're married, because it's wrong?_

_I glanced around the room, trying to stall for time. I must have looked completely agitated, because he immediately asked me if I was hurt. If I was okay._

* * *

What are you so worried about? Listen to me, Lil. You can tell me. Whatever it is, you can tell me. Right?

I tried to say it as calmly as possible, but my eyes darting back and forth must have betrayed my anxitety. She was scaring me. It must be someting bad.

What are you looking for Lily? No one else is here...

* * *

_Well, you know, being in the Order, in the middle of a war on evil, you're never safe enough. You never know when there's another Death Eater waiting to jump at you from behind a rubbish bin._

_I laughed nervously, trying to ease the tension. He didn't. Oh, blast. I shouldn't have been so insensitive. Of course he didn't want to talk about Death Eaters. And yet, a part of me still wondered..._

_Oh, I- I didnt mean-_

_Shhh._

_he stopped me._

_Yes, Lily, you did. I understand that. I will never forgive myself for what I did, and it would be stupid of me to hope you might, one day. But I promise you, Lily, that I am one hundred percent on your side. I am a proud member of the Order, and though I still have the... the mark, I will never work for Voldemort ever again._

_I shuddered at the name._

_Don't SAY that-_

_Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself. Hasn't Dumbledore told you that?_

_He told me, teasing slightly. I was starting to feel better._

* * *

I have chosen. There's no going back now, I think to myself. I've made a promise, and a promise to Lily might as well be an Unbreakable Vow.

Up until now I've been somewhere in the middle. A double agent for both sides, I could say, with only my own interest at heart. Except that I myself didn't know what it was that I wanted. I had joined the Death Eaters in my last year of Hogwarts because they told me I could be... somebody. Someone important. I was tired of being constantly pushed around, and I thought I could resist the pull of evil, and only help from a safe place. I thought I could get the benefits without going completely mad, like Bellatrix, who worshipped the Dark Lord, was, in some heinous, twisted way, protective and loving toward the man who'd already killed hundreds, the one man who could never love her back. I thought I would be accepted, like I never had before, and all i'd need to do was brew potions, and continue to study the dark arts, that had always fascinated me. And I did. It was great, at first. But soon I realised that the killing, the blood, the death, made me sick. The nonchalance, the cold indifference, even the amusement, the sadistic glee in their eyes when they took after life after life... It wasn't something I could ever agree with, or understand. I had to leave.

I should have run. Instead, I joined my ennemies' camp. I joined the Order to protect Lily, if only from a distance. Dumbledore trusted me, and I never understood it, but I used it to my advantage. I never regretted it, it was something I needed to do if I could help keep Lily safe, but I felt pity for the man, sometimes. He must be a fool to trust an ex-Death Eater with all his secrets. And yet, that's what he did. I soon became a favorite on this side, as I had on the other.

I would shift, depending on my mood. My one true goal was always to protect her, and nothing else. The only Death Eater whose company I enjoyed was Narcissa Black. She seemed to understand me better than anyone else, and she supported my need to get away. However, if I though of most of the other Death Eaters with cold disgust, my feelings toward most of the Order was intense loathing. And so it should be. They were the one's who'd bullied me all through school. They were the ones who'd ultimately made me go to the dark side.

I couldn't decide. And I couldn't get out.

Neither side had known about my implication with the other until a few months ago Bella had found me with her sister, 'conspiring'. I was able to convince her I was a double agent, and she skipped happily to her master to tell him the good news. He'd pretended he already knew, of course, or perhaps it wasn't prentense at all, which was an unsettling though. Regardless, the news had spread, and all of a sudden I was a hero to them. Or, more accurately, I was the most Slytherin of them all. I came to be greeted with respect. How could I give that up?

Riddled with remorse, however, I'd gone to Dumbledore and told him everything, finishing by how I would like to help him and the Order, and was in a perfect strategical position to do so. The man had agreed enthusiatically, glad to have converted me, I supposed.

I hadn't known which group of people on either side of the war I would ultimately team up with. I could just as well have confused both of them, just because I wanted to. I was in a position of great power, to my advantage, but also of great responsibility, and the potential outcome of the war weighed heavily on ym shoulders. My decision would be a turning point, even though I might be the only one to know it. I was still weighing the options, when I'd made that promise to Lily.

As of now, I would belong to the Order, and would help them in any way I could. I had to.

* * *

_I mentally slapped myself. I knew I had to do this. And I didn't have that much time to do it. I reached into my pocket and withdrew the small vial of futuri parvulus, it's beautiful transluscnt blue contents swirling and swaying._

_I'm pregnant, Sev._

_I smiled._

* * *

Why in the world would she tell me that?

Did she come to me only to flaunt her relationship with James? To prove to me that they were doing perfectly well?

Anger brewed inside of me, boiling hot, burning my eyes. How dare she pretend everything was fine?

Of course. It was a warning. She was telling, as nicely as she could, that we could never be together, that I was a mistake, nothing but a one night fling, that she'd never loved me, she was only stifling her grief that one time.

She had used me, and she was expecting me to be happy about that... that thing, in her body, that creature, that spawn, his child. James' child.

How could she be so utterly insensitive? I thought...

I thought many things. I suppose one is never completely right. As soon as you think one thing, as soon as you start hoping, your hope gets yanked from under you, and you lay there, on the ground, unable to move, unable to cry out.

I wanted to weep at her betrayal. But all I could do was glare, fury seeping through my body, igniting my bones.

How could she?

* * *

_I didn't understand his expression. I expected some happiness from him. I knew he'd always loved me, and he would agree to running to a different country, or even continent. Instead he looked hurt, and more angry than I'd ever seen him._

_What's wrong?_

* * *

I was about to answer her idiotic, tactless, selfish, arrogant question when I saw green sparks through the window.

They were here.

Quick! In the closet! Hide and don't say a word!

I looked at her pleadingly, terrified, all anger forgotten.

Trust me.

* * *

_What the hell was going on here?_

_After he shoved me into a closet, that I was sharing, apparently, with old robes and suspicious looking potions whose colour I couldn't properly discern in the dark, he opened the front door calmly, and invited two men and a woman inside._

_Greyback. Bellatrix. And Lucius._

_I hissed through my teeth._

_How could he invite these criminals, these monsters into his home, while I was here? Why was he talking to them so calmly?_

_That foul, loathsome, revolting, sickening, disgusting, repulsive, bloody liar._

_How could he lie to Dumbledore, like that, lead him to believe he wasn't part of the Death Eaters anymore?_

_And how- how could he lie to me? I thought..._

_Well, I thought many things. I suppose I was just wrong, once again. One more mistake to add to my list. I trusted people too easily. And I always ended up being betrayed._

_I tried to listen to what they were saying, but couldn't. Blood was pounding my ears, too loud for me to understand anything. I sat down, and waited. I was outnumbered, four to one, because I knew that even if he normally would have protected me, in front of them, too much was at stake for him, and his perfect little life of lies. I was a skilled witch, but I had a conscience. Bella would kill me without a second though. If Greyback got to me before me, I would be even worse off. Lucius, if he got his way, would likely sell me, or torture me, but for information, not for the pure joy of it, like Bellatrix would, and use me to climb in the ranks of the Death Eaters. Power hungry coward. I knew them, Bella and he, because we'd been in the same year. Gryffindor and Slytherin did Potions, Care of Magical Creatures, Herbology and Defense together. I had yet to forget the look on Bellatrix' face when we learned about Unforgiveables. It still gave me nightmares, sometimes._

_I was trapped, and there was nothing I could do. I could only hope that when this was finished, Severus would take pity on me, and obliviate me instead of killing me. Or perhaps, I could escape with my life and conscience. If I disapparated._

_I tried. And failed. He'd put a charm on his house after I arrived. He'd trapped me._

_Suddenly, dread overtook me. I bowed my head, and thought of what I'd done to deserve this. I started to cry silently. It was my fault._

_No. I couldn't lose my cool. I'd have to try to get away._

_And expose Seve- Snape for the double crossing bastard that he was._

_I closed the door as they left and waited until I saw them disappear into the night. I shuddered at how close they'd come to discovering Lily. I'd never been so terrified._

* * *

Lily?

I asked shakily through the door of the closet.

It's safe now. You can come ou-

HOW DARE YOU?

she screamed. I jumped back, astounded by her reaction. It took me a fraction of a second to remember the promise I'd made. That explained it. I stayed calm.

HOW COULD YOU LIE TO ME LIKE THAT? I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU WOULD WANT REVENGE ON JAMES AND SIRIUS, BUT WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?

I decided that 'abandoned me' wasn't the right thing to say at the moment.

YOU SWORE TO ME THAT YOU WEREN'T WORKING WITH THEM ANYMORE NO MORE THAN FIVE MEASLY MINUTES AGO

she continued, pounding my chest, trying to hurt me. Every time I opened my mouth to try to explain, a new onslaught of razor sharp words would tumble out of her mouth, shot straight at me with the deadly precision of the dart gun I'd made as a teenager, and used to poison small rodents that had inhabited our dungeons at Hogwarts. I suddenly felt pity for those rats and mice I'd tested different experimental potions on. They hadn't deserved death or mutation or any of the things I'd inflicted upon them. I hadn't deserved this.

If only she could let me explain...

HOW CAN I EVER TRUST YOU AGAIN? AND RIGHT WHEN I THOUGH...

she stopped, and looked down sadly. I tried to figure out what she was about to say, when she started screaming again. She was crying by now, tears streaming all over her reddened face, her eyes burning, her hair sticking out. She looked furious, and madded by her fury. The overall effect was more frightening than even Bella, at her worst.

WHY WOULD YOU CHOOSE THEM OVER US? CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT MONSTERS THEY ARE? HOW HARD IS IT TO UNDERSTAND? OH BUT OF COURSE, IT'S ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT YOU, HASN'T IT? _HASN'T IT_? WHAT, DID THEY GIVE YOU AN _IMPORTANT POSITION_? SOME MONEY? A PLACE WHERE YOU WERE _ACCEPTED_?

YOU _SOLD _YOURSELF TO THEM, _SNAPE, _AND YOU _KNOW_ I'M RIGHT!

Each word she stressed hit me like a slap in the face. She was right about me, all along. I'd been tempted by some superficial things, into betraying the few people who'd ever trusted me.

She ran out, lengthening the distance between us,

crying and wheezing and screaming uncontrollably, and I found myself unable to follow her, too stunned to move.

HE'S YOURS, BY THE WAY.

She shouted over her shoulder, as she dispparated.

Those were probably the last words she'd ever say to me, and I had no idea what she was talking about.

Please review, I love reviews. Don't feel forced to, but really, no feedback is bad feedback, I'd love to know how I can improve this, for you guys, as well as for me. Thanks!


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: Truth vs theory, and the implication of a tracking team**

**A/N: Hi. Again. I'm soo sorry to all of you who waited, and waited for chapter 9, especially those who believed in me, and knew I'd come back eventually, and started to lose faith and stuff... but GUESS WHO'S BACK? BACK AGAIN?**

** I won'****t say I didn't have the time... that would be a terrible lie. Basically I didn't know how to continue, because after the last chapter there were a number of ways I could proceed. **

**In this chapter, I decided it was high time I give Sirius some time in the spotlight, so in the second part we see a lot of him, as well as how James views his friends and acts around them. I really hope I did Sirius justice, please, tell me how I did.**

**This chapter hasn't been proofread, so there may be quite a few typos, if you notice any important ones that I've missed, let me know in comments.**

* * *

_I should have gone straight to Dumbledore and told him about Snape, and his... alliance? association? affiliation? with the Death Eaters. Obviously. But something held me back. I found myself unable to betray him._

_Betray him? What was I saying? HE was the one who'd betrayed US, put us all in danger and continued to do so every minute that I kept my mouth shut._

_But I just couldn't tell Dumbledore. Shamefully, I still held onto the hope of running away from James with the father of my unborn child. I may have been harbouring delusions, but I couldn't bring myself to believe Severus was all bad, and I knew he wasn't beyond saving. I could still try to talk to him. But I had to figure some things out beforehand._

_Over the next fortnight I pondered the question at length. It shouldn't have been a question at all, of course, but it seemed I had some lingering fondness for the man who'd helped me in my darkest time a little over a month and a half ago, the boy who'd taught me everything I knew about magic and the wizarding world, who had shielded me from my spiteful sister, who had always made me laugh. He was the intelligent and tireless tutor and study partner who had helped me pass my potions classes all through my early Hogwarts years, and taught me his own spells relating to occlumency and legilimency, making me the skilled witch I was now. He was the best friend who'd been my way to escape the boastful, reckless, loud gryffindors. As much as I loved Sirius, Remus, Molly and Alice, lying in the grass near the lake with Severus had always been my favourite way to spend my free time. In fact, I had continued sneaking past my friends to go see him long after I said I'd stopped. We never admitted it to each other, but of course I knew he fancied me. He made it so evident in our teenage years, he was always so sweet and funny, trying to please me. I had eventually developped quite an attraction toward him as well, more for his personality than for his looks, admittedly, but it there nonetheless. At the time I don't think either of us realised how much we cared for each other, or in what way, especially as I refused to think of him as anything but a good mate, fearing any other feeling would get in the way of the friendship I held so dearly. That was why I was so upset when he failed to take heed of my repeated warning to stay away from Bellatrix, Lucius and the like. I suppose it would have seemed quite selfish of me, to him, at the time. I had my own friends in my house, so why couldn't he have his? He didnt take much notice when I said they would only hurt him. I suppose he was right, then. They didn't hurt him. They taught him to hurt others. I gave up on him. It seemed I was doomed to be hurt from all sides, my heart broken by everyone I loved and trusted._

_But he had promised me that he was 100% on my side. Perhaps he was negociating with them? Begging them to let him go? Convincing them of his loyalty to their cause? I wondered..._

_And then, after two weeks worth of musings and theories and arguing with myself late at night, it hit me._

_Snape was the spy. He was our double agent._

_And James had lied to me. Bloody hell. But I would deal with that later._

_First I knew what I had to do. I would go to Dumbledore, to confirm my first credible and logical theory. The small price to pay for appeasing my mind was that I'd have to tell Dumbledore the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Namely, that I had cuckolded my lawful husband and had an illegitimate child on the way. Hopefully he would understand my mistake, and since he had always been fond of me, he may even help me to deal with it once the pregnancy became apparent._

_All in all, I decided it was the best option, especially for a person in my... delicate position. I sent him an owl, and waited._

* * *

**Lily, if it's possible, has become more agitated than before, I started.**

**We three were sitting on nearly rotting wooden benches, warming our hands around the contained fire in a large pot on the rattling table worn by its many years. Puzzled and frustrated by Lily's increasing vagueness and general lack of presence, I had summoned my own private council together, so to speak. We met in our childhood clubhouse, an abandoned shack we'd found, barely large enough for a table, two benches and a cot, with wooden walls and a shingled roof of corrugated metal. Remus hadn't answered my calls, because, naturally, he always had better stuff to do.**

**She avoids me whenever she can, and I found her crying in the loo last night. Right now she said she's talking to Albus about some business of hers, so we've got the evening to discuss.**

**Pettigrew, hunched over, as he usually was in human form, and Sirius, on the floor, panting, as a huge black dog, averted their gaze and glanced at each other uneasily, then looked back at me, asking questions with their eyes that they wouldn't dare to utter out loud.**

**I protested loudly, knowing exactly what they were thinking.**

**I swear it's nothing I did! Haven't you lot been listening? I try to make her happy, and make her talk, but she shies away from me and finds excuses not to spend time together, and I barely ever see her at the Auror offices anymore.**

**Well... if you say so...**

**Pettigrew mumbled awkwardly. Always the silent follower, he was. Not very useful, but he was loyal. Sirius said nothing, but wagged his tail encouragingly, showing he believed me. That was a start. But I needed advice.**

**Damnit!**

**I pounded the table with my fist, a little too hard given its age.**

**Where's Remus? If he was here this would be going much quicker! Why didn't he come?**

**Sirius reluctantly morphed back to his natural form, opened his mouth and paused for a few seconds before starting to talk on behalf of the missing party.**

**He said he wanted nothing to do with your relationship issues. He has his own, more important problems, in case you've forgotten, what with being unemployed and unable to show his scarred face in public. Sometimes, Jamesie, I think you put a little too much importance on your own little life and forget that the world doesn't revolve around you. Besides, what's with this giving us orders business? We're all equal here, aren't we? Neither of us are your servants. I'm glad to help you resolve your... isues with Lil. Though, really mate, I told you not to get married, didn't I? Nothing like a wife to fuck you up, I say.**

**He patted me on the back, and kept talking:**

**As I was explaining, we love you and Lil, and can barely wait for all this shite to be over with, though God knows when that'll happen, eh, Wormy? And we are all happy to speed up the process as much as humanly possible... and more.**

**He winked at us and his canines gleamed. He was the most skilled at morphing, and could change certain external parts of his body and face at will between gargantuan canine and human. Peter and I chuckled. Nothing could cut the tension like Padfoot's easy humour and lopsided grin, and no one could bring us together like him either. I liked to think I was the leader of the group, but really, the glue, the only one who was really comfortable with all three other Marauders was Sirius. He had that over me, but strangely, in a friendship like ours, I didn't resent him for having the upper hand sometimes. He was like a brother to me, and the only person I'd always been happy for, when I usually would be raging with jealousy. He continued.**

**Now, back to business. It does seem peculiar, I'll say. She's usually a fierce, feisty fighter. She hasn't come to see me any time recently either, so I assumed you had become more manageable, but apparently there's something more going on. Still sure she's not the spy?**

**He nudged me, and waggled his eyebrows excitedly. This has been a favourite theory of his ever since I mentioned her distance, and hasn't let go of it yet. He mainly keeps suggesting it to tease me, saying that if I don't want her anymore, he'll take my Lily anyday, because he hears double-agents are wildly sexy, et caetera. It was funny at first, but now all I can do is roll my eyes. It's become quite bothersome, especially since he may be speaking more truth than he knows. I had eliminated the possibility before, but now I wasn't so sure. I supposed it was petty, but at the same time it was one of the things I didn't want to tell my friends, because they might laugh... but worse, they might believe me. And I just couldn't have a wife one-up me. That just wouldn't do.**

**I thought that over, Snuffles, I told you. But she isn't. She was... surprised, and forlorn when I told her I was meeting the spy. As if she was jealous that she couldn't meet him herself.**

**This of course caused poor Pettigrew to jump up and gasp in surprise, then exclaim, with a strange look shifting between fear and hunger**

**You know who the spy is? Who is it? Why didn't you tell us?**

**Calm yourself, Wormy, he was lying, obviously, to get away. Dontcha ever use that head o' yours, mate?**

**was Sirius' prompt reply. The smaller man sat down and nodded, apparently relieved that I hadn't been keeping information from him, though he still looked a tad confused.**

**Dear, dear Peter. You can be such a dense fellow, sometimes,**

**I told him condescendingly, clapping him on the back. I looked down at him and was startled to find his dull yellowy eyes glaring at me resentfully. 'Angry' was a look that certainly did not become his pleasantly ugly face, I mused, laughing silently at my chubby little chum. He'd never look scary if he tried. I dismissed his stormy glare with a wave of the hand, and cleared my throat, demanding the attention of my comrades once again.**

**Should I bring her to a healer, d'you think? It's quite likely she's sick, though I haven't the slightest idea about this particular ailment.**

**Sirius shot down my idea as soon as I'd spoken, reminding me Lily never had any trust in the Ministry's healers and would probably ask for a potion...**

**And then your pretty little wife will be at the mercy of our old friend Snivellus! Is that what you want? The greasy git still has his sick little fantasies of the sexy little minx, you know, and would jump at the chance to jump her bones! Suppose he gives her a love potion? Then he won't have to stick to jacking off while looking at old naked pictures he undoubtedly took while hiding in her shower, back in the day, back when her deliciously perky-**

**Put a stopper on it, arsehole, I said with a terse smile, warning him that I was still laughing for the moment, but he was about half an inch away from crossing the line.**

**We all know you want my tigerlily but-**

**Rubbish, nonsense and codswallop, Jamie, you know full well that my one true love is Remus.**

**We looked at each other, trying to keep a straight face, until the corner of his mouth twitched, curled up, and spread into a large, wolfish grin. We burst into loud guffaws, and all tension was erased. Thinking back on it, though, his laughter rang a little false, as though something was preoccupying him, but I didn't bother myself with that then. Wormy, slow as ever, looked utterly befuddled for some long seconds before laughing along with us.**

**We stopped talking about Lily for a while, and I pulled out a bottle of firewhisky. We drank and talked and laughed like the old friends we had been in school, without a worry or a care in the world. It wasn't until later that I remembered why I'd brought them to the old shack, and brought the subject of conversation back to the task at hand.**

**We still haven't reached any viable or logical conclusions yet, so keep trailing her. Padfoot, report anywhere she goes to me. Wormtail, look up any symptoms of known ailments, perhaps caused by stress, and watch Lil closely whenever you can. I'll do the same.**

**Peter looked odd, and left with a short nod as soon as he'd received his instructions. Sirius and stayed on for a while, (More drink for us!, he joked) and eventually asked the question I hoped I'd evaded.**

**D'you still, er, get mad at her?**

**I looked down.**

**Well, I haven't in a while, I haven't had the chance to. She's become so elusive.**

**D'you think maybe, just for a second, that that's why she's acting peculiar? I mean the last terrible fight you had was quite the storm wasn't it? She seemed quite shaken up by it. She hasn't been the same since... was it a month and a half ago?**

**Dunno. I spose six weeks sounds about right, I acknowledged glumly.**

**What was the problem then?**

**Oh, it was nothing big, I answered vaguely, trying to remember how it had started. Just some little- No. That's not true. She left, for the night, and didnt tell me anything. All night! God knows what the little slut-**

**James. Jamie. Prongs. Calm yourself. She's not a slut. But what if, all jokes aside, she IS the spy?**

**Sirius, I have no time for your teasing.**

**I'm serious-**

**And I'm James, I deadpanned. We both chuckled at the time-old joke.**

**I'm serious, mate. She certainly does seem like she has something to hide. And recently she's spent quite a few nights either away, or writing, has she not? And didn't you say that she went to see Dumbledore this evening? James, what if she's the spy? That means she's a Death Eater! She doesn't have a mark, does she?**

**No, no, dont you think I'd have noticed that?**

**A small one?**

**No. The only Order member with a mark is the disgusting snake you mentionned earlier.**

**Perhaps there ARE two spies?, he asked. I shook my head.**

**No, it doesn't add up. But there's something strange going on here, and I intend to find out. You will, keep an eye out for her, won't you, Snuffles? For me?**

**You mean track her every move? In the end, we're all spies, the lot of us! I'm telling you, James, I'm not taking any sides, until I have reason to, but there's nothing I like better than a good mystery. I'm on it.**

**He morphed back into a black, shaggy dog and disappeared into the darkness.**

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please review! Ch.10 coming soon.**  
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